Paralysis of the Mind

Hey, I got a question in on Altercation!

The link is in my news/politics section, but I sent a comment in and bang, there I am in bright, ermmm... black letters.

Check it out: right here. Scroll down past "Correspondant's Corner" and you'll see a familiar name...

Plus, in the height of my Boston celebratory blogging, I somehow finagled a link from Boston-Online. Don't ask me how. But diggity. Thank you, Boston Online. :)

Although this publicity is nice now, it's bound to get to my head, and soon I'll be overexposed like Ashlee Simpson and the obvious backlash will take my blog from "hot" to "lame" and then eventually to "hipster retro kitsch." Frankly, I plan to be dead by then. But hey, ride the wave while it lasts!

In other less important news: Osama bin Laden has been spotted! On videotape! Rush out to Blockbuster to rent this fantastic piece of propaganda. Here's what reviewers had to say about it.

"As moving as 'Triumph of the Will'" - Roger Ebert

"I was halfway out the door ready to lay my life down for Muslim fundamentalism, and then I realized what I was doing." - Gene Shalit

Seriously, though, anyone who thinks this somehow looks good for Bush is a drooling idiot. What better way to point out how inefficiently this whole "War on Terror" is being run than to put public enemy #1 on TV while he's a)not in shackles b)admitting to (and honestly, gloating a little about) the worst crime on American soil in history and c) proving that we still continue to have no idea where he is. Yeah, that looks REAL good on Bush's resume.

Still, though, our country continues to be populated with drooling idiots. So you heard it here first: I'm running for Senate against Hillary Clinton in '06. My platform will be "Promises I Can't Keep." These will include:

- curing cancer once elected
- bringing Jesus back
- letting the Yankees and Mets win World Serieses every year
- ending all taxes
- cleaning up the environment
- giving every New Yorker their weight in gold
- annexing Canada (this would just be for fun, really)
- bring Seinfeld back to the air (hell, Michael Richards isn't busy, right?)

I think I can snag the redneck vote. After all, I'm almost famous, right?

What if the World Series were covered like the elections are? Would this be better or worse than Fox's current coverage?

Jeanine Zelasko: Welcome to Game 4 of the World Series at Busch Stadium in St. Louis! The two teams have warmed up and are ready to take the field! Let's send this up to Joe Buck and Tim McCarver!

Joe: Thanks, Jeanine. Well Tim, this is a big game, don't you think? What can these teams do to win today?

Tim: Well, let me say that neither team has impressed me, Joe. Both teams could be doing a lot more. For example, the Red Sox got out 27 times last game. That number has to decrease if they plan on getting some of those undecided runs. The Cardinals, on the other hand, have been talking about their offense all season long, but only scored one run. Their lineup is on-message which is good -- the official scorer credited them with 10 runs and many undecided runs say that they "like the Cardinals style"-- but if they don't really score some more runs some undecided runs are eventually going to decide that they might be better off with the Red Sox.

Joe: Before we go on, in the interests of fairness, I'd like to point out that the Cardinals also hit into 27 outs last game. You know, Tim, just to forstall any claims of bias.

Tim: That's a good point, Joe, but I take issue with your statistic. Where did you get that statistic? I have been told, on reliable information, that the Cardinals only had -- in fact -- 18 outs last game.

Joe: Well, the official scorer--

Tim: Oh please, Joe. We all know how the official scorer is biased. I have it on good information that the official scorer voted for Manny Ramirez to be on the All-Star team this year.

Joe: Be that as it may, a poll we just took of 42 fans in the stands, a clear 54% said that the Cardinals got 27 outs last game.

Tim: Maybe I'm wrong, but I still don't believe in listening to the official scorer.

Joe: Okay, Tim. Well, the teams are going onto the field. Any thoughts?

Tim: I can't believe the Red Sox are STILL wearing gray! I know that Theo has said he thinks the gray resonate with female fans, but again? This is the 89th time this year they've worn those gray suits! Not even Al Gore tried that stunt!

Joe: Well, Tim, this just in, 45% of likely fans like the gray uniforms, but note how this poll broke down... fans that called themselves "traditionalists" went almost 70-30 for the grays, while new fans broke about 60-40 against.

Tim: Those new fans could really decide this Series, Joe. The question, though, is will they turn out? A lot of New York fans have been turned off by not being one of the swing states in this series.

Joe: Before we start, let's talk to each manager. First up, Tony LaRussa. Tony, you there?

Tony: I'm here, thanks for having me.

Joe: Not a problem, Tony. How do you feel going into this game?

Tony: Fantastic. Look, the Red Sox just aren't doing well with the Latino fan base, and with guys like Ortiz, Ramirez and Pedro they should be cleaning up there. Our message of small-ball, strong pitching and projecting of power through our Pujols and Edmonds is really resonating with the fans. We feel very good about Game 4.

Tim: Tony, though, what do you say to your critics who suggest that your losing record in the World Series is a hinderence in this series?

Tony: Tim, I honestly don't know what they're talking about. I've never lost a World Series game. Never. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying, including my opponent, who I'd like to add has lost a lot of games in his career with his liberal managing and his noted lack of support for defense.

Joe: Thanks Tony. Now we'll talk to Terry Francona to get a response.

Terry: Thanks for having me guys.

Tim: Terry, Tony seems to think you're a liberal manager and you don't worry enough about defense. Any response?

Terry: I think that's ridiculous. When I played in the big leagues, defense was a personal goal of mine. I must say how silly it is to be told I'm weak on defense when I actually played and Tony has only coached.

Joe: But your team did make 8 errors in the first two games, right? Although it didn't matter much in the first one, your loss in the second game could directly be linked to those moments of soft defense, right?

Terry: I don't feel like we lost Game 2--

Tim: But polls taken yesterday put you down by 8 points, 51 to 43 percent.

Terry: Tim, polls taken right after the game showed us winning by nearly 10 percent. It wasn't until after the pundits had dissected our performance that people began to change their minds. It isn't our fault that the media is biased against us. After all, most media is based in New York.

Joe: Okay, Terry, the game is about to start, thanks for talking to us. Okay, and now Jason Marquis will take the mound, and leading off will be Johnny Damon.

Tim: Look at his hair. Unacceptable. All Red Sox are like him, too, unclean, unshaven and unprofessional. It's amazing they field a team.

Joe: Tim, in the interests of fairness, I'd like to point out Jeff Suppan's weird beard. The first pitch though, a strike.

Tim: Let's not be so hasty. I have an e-mail here from someone in Missouri who is very sure that the pitch was a ball. Melanie from East Saint Louis writes: "I can't believe the umps! They're terrible! Just more liberal bias with their wide strike zone! Cards in 4" Although also, here's Jim from Illinois with: "I'm sure some people are going to see that pitch and think it's a ball, no matter if it's right down the middle. Where has the discourse gone in this country?" Good points, both of you.

Joe: Marquis pitches... Damon hits a LONG fly ball... that is out of the park! Wow! 1-0 to the Red Sox... although wait, I'm getting word that the homerun might have been a forgery?

Tim: Oddly enough, Joe, we've been getting beseiged with calls. Apparently, a poster on a website called "Little Green Footballs" has figured out that the ball we just saw hit out of the park couldn't have been hit out of the park. He's quite sure that Damon grounded out because the type of bat Damon was using doesn't provide enough weight to generate the velocity to get the ball to where it appeared to have landed. This random poster is apparently a rocket scientist, Joe. I think he really sheds doubt on this homerun.

Joe: Tim, we're gonna stand by our story that it's a homerun.

Tim: Oh, Joe, now we're getting bombarded with viewer e-mail.
Here's 'Buckhead' from St. Louis: "LIBERAL FOX! Everyone can have a homerun! Everyone is special! You liberal pansy idealists make me sick. Go start a homerun program for the poor, hippies."

Joe: Okay, maybe it wasn't a homerun.

Tim: Here's one from 'pie' in Boston: "How can you turn your back on Johnny Damon??? It's clear he hit the homerun. Don't let them trick you!"

Joe: I give up. Join us for Game 5. Or don't. I'm never watching baseball again, I'm sick of it. Both teams are the same anyway...

Thanks, Theo. You built 'em.

Thanks John and Tom. You own 'em.

Thanks, Tito. You coached 'em.

Thanks, Pedro. You were the greatest pitcher in history not three years ago, but even though you're not 100% anymore, you still get it done.

Thanks, Derek. You deserve every dime you'll be overpaid for in the off season.

Thanks, Johnny. I'm passionate about you, baby, even if you're Unfrozen Caveman Centerfielder.

Thanks, Manny. M-V-P. Yeah, you're #1...


Thanks, Mark. Who knew you'd turn it around on the Yankees?

Thanks, Curt. You know what your legacy will be like now, eh?

Thanks, David. Big Papi, indeed.

Thanks, Billy. I don't care how you pronounce your last name anymore. (Really, though, man... it's Mueller, right?)

Thanks, Orlando. Glad you're not playing for the 'spos, huh?

Thanks, Trot. Although your slip in the outfield was pretty funny.

Thanks, Keith. We really could have used you last year.

Thanks, Nation. We've been WAITING for this and it... IS... ABOUT... FUCKING... TIME... we deserve thanks for waiting:



Thanks, Ted. I wish you were still here to see this.

Thanks, Buckner. I hope your name is remembered honorably now.

Thanks, Rocket. If you hadn't pitched like crap in the All-Star game, we'd never have gotten home-field. This is almost enough for me to forgive you. Almost.

Thanks, Yankees fans. I hope you learn to LOVE hearing "Year 2000" over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. And when you've heard it enough... just enough to push you over the edge... we'll yell it one more time. Gosh, it'll feel wonderful.

Thanks, Cardinal fans. You guys cheered when we won on your home court. I tip my cap, and could only hope the Nation would be as gracious in defeat.

Thanks for reading me rant on about these overpaid athletes whose exploits have absolutely no bearing on my life... yet somehow, they do. And it's so stupid and beautiful and if I don't stop babbling soon I'll probably get fired.

Oh my, isn't this wonderful. And the room is getting dusty...

Say it with me people: wow.

So, 3-0 to the Sox. The best part about this is that it gives Yankees fans ONE more out before the season is over to try -- as best they can -- to stick the knife in. Within 2 hours of the game being finished, I've heard, "Ha ha now you'll lose 4 straight."

Gosh, I love the smell of desperation in the morning.

Anyhow, short night from me, but I do want to show you something that really moved me today. There's a message board -- made famous when Curt Schilling actually joined and started posting -- called "Sons of Sam Horn" which is about the Red Sox. As you can probably imagine, they're pumped beyond their wildest dreams.

Someone, though, started a thread simply called "Win it for..." and proceeded to start a huge list of people who the Sox should win it this year for. Every reason why anyone is silly enough to be a Red Sox fan is posted here. It's beautiful and moving and let's just say that if you read enough of it, the room you're in might start to get a little dusty... ahem...

Win it for...

27 outs to go.

Quick: Name the team with 8 errors in the World Series!

I'm not entirely sure how you win 2 straight four-error games. I'm not entirely sure how Bill Mueller can make THREE errors in one game. And I'm definitely confused as to who is inhabiting Mark Bellhorn's body right now.

But, we're up 2-0. And we're cruising.

Normally, this would leave me in a cold sweat. The Red Sox have done many things in their history, but "cruise" is not one of 'em. Therefore, in any other postseason I'd have visions about the end of this cruise: a pounding or two in Busch, Albert Pujols hitting 7-run homers and something akin to Byung Hyun-Kim making an emergency Game 6 start. I should be unable to sleep, drifting through meals and generally disinterested in the rest of life outside the World Series. I should be obsessive and compulsive and eating my nails down to my elbows... heck, I almost feel bad that I'm so calm and assured. It just isn't right. We don't cruise... we never cruise...

Then again, we never beat the Yankees either.

When it comes right down to it, I'm as calm about the Sox as I ever have been. I might even be calmer now than I was in April. I think that's a good thing... I don't know. Maybe it's a sign of the Apocalypse. However you slice it though, at least I'm sleeping (unfortunately, though, also eating).

And so... off to Saint Louis, Pedro in slightly warmer conditions against one of (if not the) best crowd in the game, those nutty Redbird fans. I'm glad the fans get some World Series ball, the way they come out for the Cards every year is the very apex of behavior for baseball fans. They're every bit as crazy for their team as true Red Sox Nation survivors are for theirs. Unfortunately, they must be slaughtered in brutal fashion. :D

Seriously, though, Kim is NOT on the postseason roster... right?

On off-days, my thoughts again turn to... um... that other subject I occasionally talk about. You remember that?

Anyway, though, today was a great day for Democracy.

Last night, Ann Coulter was assaulted on the stage at Arizona State University. No, not physically or with a baseball bat (as she advocates for liberals) instead, she was nearly pelted with pies.

Now, I do not condone attacking free speech. After all, this is America, and the fact that a rabid batshit crazy winger spewing hate-filled rhetoric can do so without fear of either repercussions or facts is what our democracy is based upon. So that isn't the highlight of this affair.

No, the great thing for democracy is that someone got it on tape!

Fire it up, kids! Right here's where you can find it. It happens quickly and isn't a long clip, but seriously, who doesn't want to see Coulter's survival skills tested in the wild?

Okay, unpreparedness is now taking over, so I'm off. Some vacation, huh?

Blogger power, baby. No vacation can slow me down. These pictures, though, are worth checking out.

Firstly, I didn't see this when the play happened, but a new camera angle has revealed something on the Karate Kid play... did you see this?



And next up, screw I-pods, here's what I want to buy:



Vacations are for suckers, there will be MORE blogging. YOU HEAR ME!? MORE! WAH HAH HAH HAHA HAHAHA!!

So, I'm going away for a few days. This means probably, no blogging until Sunday or so. (I know, all my faaaaaabulous fans will miss me).

But in the meantime, a few things that I can rationally talk about now that I'm not in a half-hysterical state about the series now over, and the World Series to come:

1. I'm totally pulling for the Cardinals, and not just because of the political reason. Brad Lidge has been Rivera 1999 good in this postseason, nasty filthy stuff and just plain unhittable. Jason Isringhausen, on the other hand, is probably the most over-rated closer in the league. I don't know -- it might just be me -- but every time I see him pitch he seems to blow it. His stats tend to look pretty good, but he has the appearance of a guy the Sox could eat up in the late innings. Beating the closer is really a stake-in-the-heart kind of victory.

2. It's been a lot of fun to hear Yankees fans over the last 24 hours. A few Yankees fans with class (and surprisingly, there are some) offered painful congratulations, most wincing like they'd just been karate chopped by A-Rod. But what's more fun are the totally unrepentant fans, the ones who shriek about the 26 titles, and 36 pennants, as if winning in 1927 has some sort of bearing on taking the biggest beating in playoff history in 2004. Bill Simmons summed it up best this morning: now the Yankees have playoff baggage. Yes, they still have 26 titles, but now they're also the only team in baseball history to blow a 3-0 playoff lead.

Now, this doesn't change the fact that the Yankees are the best team in baseball history, have the best organization and owner in baseball history, and are probably the best franchise in American sports. However, this year, they're not the best team. And (as my comment inform me) if Boston sucks, what about the team that was beating them 3 games to none, huh? If Boston sucks, the Yankees must be a Double-A ballclub, huh?

3. Dale Sveum is the worst third-base coach in the history of baseball. Sveum would send Hellen Keller, okay? I'm not entirely sure he knows the "stop" sign. But his sending of Damon last night simply wasn't that bad. It took a perfect relay and good positioning from Posada to keep Damon from getting that run. That said: should he come back next season I'm going to Fenway to heckle him unmercifully for 9 innings.

4. New England is just on fire right now. The Pats are rolling, the Sox are big, Kerry looks strong, and the Bruins aren't playing. The Celtics, of course, will not be very good this season, but I can guarantee they'll be better than last year (and hell, they made the playoffs somehow). I wonder if Foxwoods is taking a beating right now too...

5. Final thought, and file this under "I can't believe I'd ever say this" but... Joe Torre might have to check his "Manager of the Century" jacket at the beginning of next year. I don't think Joe made the Yankee hubris mistake (no matter what, we'll still win) but he sure made some questionable moves. Pitching to Ortiz with the game on the line in Game 5? With defensive replacement Doug Mientckviecz (someday, I'll learn that one) coming up next? That's not just bad, that's like EPIC bad. Even Tito thought that was stupid -- and Francona knows a thing or two about stupid -- I don't want to say the Torre was out-managed, but gosh, maybe he was? And this from the Jimi - Grady - Tito axis? Bizarre. Outrageous. SCANDALOUS!

I'll see you from the World Series when I get back... :)

Wow. All hail Unfrozen Caveman Centerfielder.

I was oddly calm for this one, although being at work did a lot to keep me from screaming or yelling. But even from the start, I felt like I was playing with house money...

... 2-0. 6-0. 8-1. 10-3

Derek Lowe was fabulous. Better than fabulous. Mr. Lowe just earned himself a ROYAL overpaying from someone (my sources tell me that the Texas Rangers will bite and pay him twice what he's worth).

And although I don't know why Pedro was on the hill, it didn't matter. Even the crowd's heart wasn't really in it. And one fan showed his fine Bronx class by hucking a foul ball back at Damon's mug (bonus point, though, for actually coming close to hitting him. I mean, if you're gonna do it, at least get close, right?)

Again, wow... nobody comes back from 0-3!! THIS JUST DOES NOT HAPPEN! There's a reason it's never been done in 100 years of baseball, and done twice TWICE(!!) in the history of American sports (2-236, now 3-237). And we did it against the Yankees.

I loved seeing Alex "The Karate Kid" Rodriguez pout in the dugout. God. We almost had that whiny self-centered little prat on our team, and at one point I was even HOPING for it? Compare his performance to Curt Schilling. Think A-Rod would play if the blood was coming through the sock?

So now, up to the World Series. Personally, I'm hoping the Cardinals, if just to be spared the whole "Bush vs. Kerry" nonsense that will be inescapable. However, should it be the Astros, who DOESN'T want to see Clemens on the mound in Fenway again?

Snoop Dogg called and he's predicting drizzle...

Wow.

Welp, feel free to refer to me as Sanford, because ELIZABETH I'M A'COMIN TO SEE YA HERE COMES THE BIG ONE!!

I was out, okay? I got the %&#$#% out. And those damn Red Sox have pulled me right back in.

Game Seven.

Again.

To say I'm speechless is incorrect; I think I used up every possible word hurling them at the television tonight. When that cheap-shot artist A-Rod knocked the ball from Arroyo's hand I said a few colorful curses and immediately thought "Here we go again..."

And then I saw the replay. I occasionally swear on this blog, but if I said what I really thought about Mr. Rodriguez right now there would just be a string of obscenities for the next 15-18 inches. **deep breath**

The amazing thing is that McCarver and Buck seemed to agree that it was a good play if he'd gotten away with it. But that's stupid: if he just gave himself up Jeter would have been on second instead of first. And "getting away with it" is both a silly way to think and the essence of bad sportsmanship... pardon my abject cruelty but I imagine Ken Caminiti might take just a WEE bit of issue with that school of thought. But then, the chances that Rodriguez would have actually gotten away with it were slim, I mean, he karate-chopped Arroyo on his way about five feet wide of first base.

Wow, I'm wound up now. I really might have a hard time sleeping tonight. I haven't been this worked up about baseball since...

... last year.

I was OUT!! OUT!! You hear me!?

At least Johnny has the good grace not to show up in the batter's box with a crown of thorns.

Then again, Unfrozen Caveman Centerfielder scored the winning run in the bottom of the 14th in a game that went nearly SIX hours, so who knows what's next for that young feller...

Anyway, the entire point is that the Red Sox were dead, buried, and gasping for breath. And not unlike The Bride from Kill Bill, the Sox have clawed their way back up. I'm... thrilled. Mostly. I know that someday there's a heart attack waiting for me, and it will be the DAMN RED SOX WHO KILLED ME.

Tonight was a perfect illustration of what it's literally like to be a Red Sox fan, except instead of one 6-hour game, that's our ENTIRE SEASON. Every day we wake up in paroxysms of pain and anguish and once in a great while the purdy white light opens up and takes away a little bit of that pain.

That said, there's no WAY Schilling can pitch Game 6 in Yankee Stadium. None. Put it right out of your head. He's hurt, they'll crush him, Leiber is unstoppable against Boston, and the Passion is 2-21 in the series.

So why, for the love of Trey, do I foresee a Game 7 that will be even more brutal (somehow) than last year's? ARGH. Seriously. They'll KILL me.

See ya tomorrow... maybe...

A lot of the nation's papers are going side to side endorsing various candidates for President. This is the very nature of idiocy in my profession: how better to illustrate the biases that readers assume you have (even if you do not) than to outright endorse a candidate. Sure, papers try to explain the unbreakable wall between editorial and news, but amazingly, nobody believes them, mostly because MANY news organizations routinely destroy that wall. The bleating of the masses drowns out any point the paper was trying to make, and the media ends up looking foolish.

Suffice to say, checking out a list of papers that endorsed Bush and Kerry is both revealing and yet completely absurd at the same time. However, as a person who has written far too many editorials in my life, I do like to read the opinions across the nation. And so, I subjected myself to a few. And what did I find? Editors write some pretty awful editorials. Here's a few of my favorites:

"This is a presidency in deep trouble, made worse by the refusal to acknowledge the trouble. ... Unfortunately, Sen. John Kerry has not convinced us that he will be able to steer the nation out of the mess in Iraq and move forward appropriately in the war on terrorism."
-- The Winston-Salem Journal, Winston-Salem, N.C.

Wonderful. So the President is doing a bad job, but Kerry isn't convincing enough. Thank you for so perfectly setting up the mind of an undecided voter. Except for the small issue that an editorial is SUPPOSED TO STAKE OUT A FUCKING POSITION AND BACK IT UP!! Winston-Salem, I'm sad to say, was not the only paper to whine like an undecided voter who "doesn't know enough to decide."

"Despite his mistakes, America knows who Bush is. He has led the country through immense troubles. Kerry, burdened by all the votes that came in the U.S. Senate for 20 years, still leaves many questions about what kind of president he would be."
-- The Repository, Canton, Ohio

So, it's okay to make mistakes, say, getting into wars and making the rest of the world hate you. But make a voting mistake in the Senate, and you can toss your career down the toilet? I guess that's fair. By the way, who's job is it to introduce America to John Kerry, curiously?

But here's, by far, my favorite:

"We would hope and expect (President Bush) to shift more to the center, befitting the compassionate conservatism that again has become a Bush mantra. But the overarching role of the president is that of commander in chief. It is our belief that Mr. Bush would continue to effectively defend this country."
-- The Grand Rapids (Mich.) Press

So, while facing election -- after losing the popular vote and avoiding the posibility of losing the electoral vote by getting installed by a conservative Supreme Court -- Bush went the furthest right of any American president... but now, magically, with NOTHING to stop him but grim death and/or nuclear war he'll go back to the center to rule?

I suppose, then, by the same stroke of magic the rest of the world will begin to love our Dear Leader, and the Democrats will all turn into Zell Miller and we'll be united not divided and Osama bin Laden will give up, knowing that he can never defeat Emperor Bush, and we'll call him Emperor because sometime in 2006 - when everthing is perfect and we're all in enforced prayer groups - someone will have the idea to let him run the country forever and the country will vote on the Constitutional Amendment to disband the Constitution and only Libachussetus will vote against the measure and then will secede but will be nuked to the ground because we all love Dear Leader and 2+2=5.

About this time, I return to my original statement at the top: these editorials are both stupid and useless. Yet fascinating, and seemingly written by people who don't appear to actually LIVE in 2004. I mean, don't you have to prove you're something you said you were four years ago? Jeez, I could call myself King Blogger the First, but if I don't have a fiefdom/kingdom going on in 4 years I'd probably shut up about it, y'know?

Maybe not. King Blogger, eh...?

(Note: This Blog endorses Ralph Nader, as we feel he has the right personality to work with Satan to cut a deal to save our country.)

So, yeah, I've been lazy lately. Suffering from outrage fatigue (nasty) and ignorance-suffering related malaria. Ghastly business, really.

Anyhow, I've recovered and find myself totally outraged by... everything. But mostly because the Boston Red Sox are well on their way to losing to the Yankees. Badly. Again.

It isn't just that I root for Boston that makes me want to root against the Yankees. They really represent everything I hate in life. George Steinbrenner is a convicted felon who got off because he donated millions to Richard Nixon, thus meeting the stringent requirements necessary for a presidental pardon. I hate corporate criminals. And I hate unnecessary conservative thought: the Yankees require short hair and leaving your personality at the door. (Although, on the plus side, it did lead to the Simpsons episode where Mr. Burns harangued Don Mattingly to cut his sideburns despite an already shaved head.) Plus, the Yankees outspend their opponents ridiculously on a yearly basis.

But the worst part about the Yankees are the fans they churn out: the pride-driven arrogant mucks who believe their team has a God-given right to the title every year but refuse to admit to themselves (or others) that their team has the financial capability to BUY a quarter of the league on a yearly basis. I can't stand the hubris, I can't stand the ego. And most of the fans are JUST Yankee fans -- if you set them in front of a thrilling game between the Cardinals and Cubs, a good 99% of Yankees fans would yawn and ask to watch something else. I've never met a real baseball fan who was a Yankees fan.

Literally, rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for Bill Gates to get richer. Or rooting for Bill O'Reilly to get off in his sexual harassment suit (we'll definitely look at this closer over the weekend). It's like rooting against more Cowbell. For God's sake we NEED more Cowbell in here!

So remember to bring your cowbell to tomorrow's game. Brandon (Bronson) Arroyo will need it. And if someone could take out Tim McCarver's voice box between now and then, that would also be appreciated.

This afternoon I got to go to Saratoga Spa State Park, a pretty location. I brought the camera for fun, and it turned out to be a smart move. Oh yes, and apparently there was some running going on... I'm sure it was totally unrelated to why I was in the park. *wink*

Saratoga is a very lovely location, and the park is gorgeous this time of year. I should really make an effort to go more often to walk or run myself (if I had a big dog I'd probably do this daily). But here's some pictures:


Here's a lone freshman runner for Saratoga passing in front of the Little Spa Theater, which happens to be right behind SPAC (Saratoga Performing Arts Center) which is the big theater (it's an ampitheatre, seats/stands about 25-30 thousand) set right in the heart of Saratoga Spa State Park.


This is a reflective pool right in front of the Theater. The Spas are right across the way. . .


This is one of the Spa areas that Saratoga is known for. Lincoln and FDR were both big fans (and some of the spas now bear their name, this is a section of the Roosevelt Baths)


And of course, running. Here's Andy Bangert and Greg Kelsey (who finished tied for second). The boys team is one of the best in the state, while the girls team is ranked #1 in the country. Lucky that they have such a beautiful course.

More pictures of the area in the future, I imagine. Next stop, downtown...?

In this political season of lunacy over reason, I have come across some information that, if the major media outlets of America pick up, could totally change the outcome on November the Second.

All election season we've heard about John Kerry's flip-flops and mispeaks. And I admit, anyone who speaks poorly in public has no business being president (same goes for anyone who has ever changed their mind about anything). However, it has recently come to my attention that not ONLY has George W. Bush changed position in his life, he has even do so recently. Our patriotic press, doing its wartime duty, has not reported on it, but I feel that as a debt to my country it's imperative that I speak out, now that I realize Mr. Bush is, as the saying goes, "Unfit for Command"

Bush-Flops:

1. As infant, Bush took nutrients from breasts of mother, Barbara. George W. Bush now chooses to eat grown-up food, a shameful display of flip-flopping.
2. Bush was a neer'well to do for most of his life; now he has become somewhat successful and important.
3. Mr. Bush's drinking was out of control up until age 40. Now, according to most reports, he no longer drinks at all. Which will it be?
4. Bush has moved many times in his life, and although he was born in Conn. he now claims to represent Texas, which is hundreds of miles away from the Nutmeg State.
5. Bush was engaged at Yale to a woman (Cathryn Lee Wolfman) who he didn't marry. In fact, Bush was born unmarried and is now married (thus, a double flip-flop).
6. When he was born, Bush was less than 2 feet tall and nearly hairless. He is now 5'10, has hair (in all areas) and has gone through puberty. How can we trust a man who has so cleverly changed his appearance?
7. Bush began life naked, and now wears different clothes every single day (sometimes, more than one outfit a day).
8. Jenna and Barbara Bush are the President's daughters. Insiders claim that were they to be born male, they would have had different names.
9. Bush has both smiled and frowned. Why can he not make up his mind?
10. While in the White House, Bush chooses a different dinner every night. How can this man be considered resolute?
11. Bush had no religion for most of his life, but then became Born Again. What's to stop him from changing again, to Muslim, Jewish, or Voodoo?
12. Bush once mentioned that "it is hard to put food on your family," yet has never tried to put any food on any member of his family.

I'll stop there in the interests of time, but obviously, this is no resolute leader. We must be strong. 9/11 changed everything. Resolute. Strong. Patriotic. God Bless America. There's only one candidate who is inflexible enough to meet the criteria for the type of leader we need...

Ralph Nader.

This ain't no party... this ain't no disco...this ain't no fooling around...

I love making predictions. And so, I'm going to go out on the limb and make the big prediction that's dominating my thoughts these days:

Red Sox in 6!

Wait, wait, no. (Although I stand by Red Sox in 6.) I mean more along the lines of where John Kerry will finish. Granted, this is hard to predict. Bush is a deity who can make his followers believe anything, and as a deity, could easily change the landscape with a wave of his pudgy little hand. Imagine if you woke up on November 2nd and the sky was orange? And Bush told you only he could fix it? One shouldn't doubt a God-like creature.

I don't come onto predicting lightly. In 2000, between myself and a friend in my college newspaper office, we went 48/50 (technically, we only got 47, but we later agreed that Florida was really won by Gore and so we deserved money on our prediction). 48 for 50, just looking at the board and mostly guessing on whim and basic deduction. For example, we were pretty sure Bush had Texas. But we missed Tennessee (who the hell saw Gore losing his own state, shameful) and Nevada (who knew gamblers voted in droves?) and, well, Florida. Again, sort of.

This time around there's more riding on things, and I have a lot more information within reach of my grasping fingers. Does that help? I'm not entirely sure; polls are not accurate and state tempraments are hard to figure. But now I'm just running around in circles. So here's my big fat PREDICTION:

John Kerry 25, George Bush 26

That's in states/non-states. Here's my prediction in percentage:

John Kerry 48%, George Bush 47%

No help, though. Al Gore knows a thing or two about it. So the important one:

States/non-states for Kerry (in no real order)
Washington, Oregon, Nevada, California, Hawaii, New Mexico, Minnesota, Iowa, Wisconsin, Illinois, Arkansas, Missou, Michigan, Ohio, Virginia, District of Columbia, Maryland, New Jersey, Conn, Rhode Island, Mass-ah-ma-cheuses, Vermont, Maine, New York, Pennsylvania

Shocked, souffled? You're damn right I called Virginia in there. That wasn't a plant or a mistake. And no, I didn't call Florida or New Hampshire on the list. However, that said, I will be shocked if Kerry doesn't win Florida -- with the big BUT that no matter what happens on Election Day Kerry probably won't see Florida's electoral votes one way or the other. I'm not calling voter fraud. Let's just call it being pragmatic.

And so, I gave the states. You can mark up your maps at home. What does the number look like...? My prediction for 2004:

Good 315, Evil 223

And you can take that to the bank.

My biggest fear in a second Bush term is not more wars (a given) more unsustainable tax breaks (obvious) more destruction of the environment (the plan) or a lowering of the world's opinion of our country (an open and shut case).

Mostly I worry about Bush appointing more insanity to the Supreme Court.

The Supreme Court is the most powerful force in American politics. It was no always so, nor was the Judicial branch meant to overshadow the other two branches. However, by the way the game of politics has been come to be played over the last 40-50 years, the Court is really the sight of the major policy movements of a nation. From FDR's bid to stack the court because of their rulings on the New Deal, to Brown v. Board of Education, to Roe v. Wade... the court has had their hands on much of the change of recent history.

And what oversight do the judges have? Consider our current election: even with a two-eyes-blinded media, everyone has a fair idea of where Bush and Kerry stand. It isn't hard to find out what they believe in, nor is it difficult to change course; after all, on November The Second (like September The Eleventh, but less terrorist-filled) we very well might find ourselves with a new President. Did I say might? I meant, shall.

In comparison, the Supreme Court has one oversight: the scythe of Death himself. Yes, that's right, once you're in, you're in, despite if after you went through a nasty confirmation hearing where your side lied outrageously about your behavior in order to get you confirmed, well, tough cookies. You're still in, no matter what came before. And here I'll look at Clarence "I HEART porn" Thomas and William "I tried to keep those uppity negroes from voting against Nixon in Arizona" Reinquist.

But tonight Bush made an absolutely stunning slip. I didn't watch all of the debate, from what I did see, once again Kerry came across better and used actual facts (as opposed to the fact-like substance that Bush proceses from whatever little universe he inhabits)... Bush said this about a Supreme Court Judge:

"I would pick somebody who would not allow their personal opinion to get in the way of the law."

Fantastic. Except for one ENORMOUS flaw: Bush is counting on the votes of anti-abortionists around this country. And suddenly, he just said, in front of 55 million people that he wouldn't nominate judges that allow their personal opinion to get in the way of the law. The law is that abortion is legal. And while there's a huge subset of the opinion that abortion should NOT be legal, that doesn't change the decision of Roe v. Wade.

This is a huge issue, and one that I'd love to see the Democrats jump with two feet on. Conservatives have been using wedge issues to get -- I'll come right out and say it -- ignorant and dumb voters to vote against their own economic and societal interests by using abortion and gay marriage, easy to explain wedge issues that tend to dominate the thinking, as opposed to trying to explain economic or policy issues. Voters say, "I vote against abortion" and then throw their vote away while someone uses the power to say, lower taxes on the rich and outsource jobs to India. But that's harder to explain, and harder to prove (why Bush continually can say "I didn't lower taxes to the rich" and lots of people are willing to believe him).

Bush is obviously lying; what he meant to say is that he wouldn't nominate any "activist" judges (activist is a code-word for liberal/godless/communist/anarchist) but that the good "folks", y'know, the conservative judges who look at things the right way would be welcome to apply. And obviously, that's true. But this is a huge opening that I would love to see rammed down his throat.

Next week is the domestic policy debate. Supreme Court nominations are a hot issue. I would like nothing more than to hear Kerry suggest that Bush won't nominate anti-abortion judges to the bench, because heaven knows, that would whip Bush's base into a frenzy (unfortunately for Chimpy, a bad frenzy). And then Bush would have to either stick to his lie (and piss on his own people) or else admit he was wrong, thus opening the Pandora's Box of the Very Evil Mind Change aka fleeep-flooop. In which case, Kerry could legitimately say that Bush is an idiot. (This is true.)

In a special related issue, it looks like this blog is going to have an insider at the next Presidental debate. When I know more for sure, I'll be sure to rush it, hot off the Internet, right to your front door.

When it comes right down to it, there's very little Democratic about the Democratic party, and the Republicans aren't really all that into Republicanism.

Therefore, I think it's time to really divide the country up into where people really stand on the issues, and open up the floor for better political party systems. After all, why should conservatives have to hold their nose and vote for a Republican, and why should Liberals hold their nose and vote for a Democrat? Here's a more accurate representation of America's political views:

The Reactionary Party
Motto: "Every action causes a reaction. A big, unplanned reaction"
Symbol: Picture of a human knee silhouetted behind a picture of Barry Bond's face
Color: Black
Secret Agenda the Party Pushes: Redneck/Hick
TV Pundit: Anne Coulter
Favorite Leader of All Time: Joseph Stalin
Basic Platform: Every problem can be solved by reacting as quickly as possible. For example, as soon as we found out Osama bin Laden attacked us, we should have nuked all his possible hiding locations. Problem solved.
Why Electable: Most Americans are ignorant and reactionary at heart.
Why Not Electable: Presidental Candidate for 2004 would run under slogan: "Let's Nuke France!"
Percentage of population in this party: 35%

The Liberal Party
Motto: Altius Maximus Latinus (translated: We Know Latin)
Symbol: People of different races, religions, areas of the world holding hands and being cheery.
Color: White
Secret Agenda the Party Pushes: Homsexual, Abortionist
TV Pundit: Norm Chomsky
Favorite Leader of All Time: FDR
Basic Platform: Let's raise taxes and make the government do more! For example, if we raise taxes 1% we can offer health care for all Americans!
Why Electable: People love free stuff.
Why Not Electable: A 1% tax-hike? Are you $%&$# kidding me?
Percentage of population in this party: 5%

The Theocratic Party
Motto: One Nation, Under Our God
Symbol: Jesus on the Cross
Color: Plaid
Secret Agenda the Party Pushes: Hunting down descendents of Charles Darwin.
TV Pundit: Pat Robertson (who just cured your migraine out there in Cleveland Ohio!)
Favorite Leader of All-Time: Jesus
Basic Platform: God will solve everything. For example, the Rapture is JUST around the corner, so let's not worry too much about the environment!
Why Electable: Studies show that people like God.
Why Not Electable: Some smart-aleck will wake up one day and say, "Wait a second, isn't this just the Taliban except with Christians?"
Percentage of population in this party: 10%

The Conservative Party
Motto: The Great Gatsby, by F. Scott Fitzgerald
Symbol: Stock Page
Color: Black and White
Secret Agenda the Party Pushes: Military-Industrial Complex
TV Pundit: Tucker Carlson
Favorite Leader of All Time: Dick Cheney, Ken Lay
Basic Platform: Now that the reactionaries and uber-Christians are out of the way, this party can make some money by lowering taxes on the rich without having to beat around the bush! For example, when we stop making big corporations pay any taxes, they'll definitely hire more people!
Why Electable: Big corporations rule the world already, why lie about it?
Why Not Electable: Accidental delivery of CEO's paycheck to Wal-Mart cashier is first step in political awakening, bloody revolution.
Percentage of population in this party: 5%

The Libertarian Party
Motto: Down With Governement! (But we're not anarchists!)
Symbol: Fountainhead
Color: Banned under new system.
Secret Agenda the Party Pushes: Guns for Tots
TV Pundit: Ayn Rand
Favorite Leader of All Time: Hammurabi
Basic Platform: Abolish the government and taxes and let people sort things out. For example, what right does the government have to tell me I can't build a shooting range in my backyard and then take 20% of my earnings? I didn't sign up for THAT!
Why Electable: Talking about lower taxes makes Americans instinctively salivate.
Why Not Electable: Americans are going to be in charge of their own roads, military, schools, fire and police protection? Good luck getting a patrol car during "American Idol."
Percentage of population in this party: 5%

The Hippie Anarchist Party
Motto: Down With Government
Symbol: Marijuana Leaf
Color: Green
Secret Agenda the Party Pushes: Free Beer, Free Beer
TV Pundit: Jesse Camp
Favorite Leader of All Time: Ricky Williams
Basic Platform: Stop the Man from keeping us down. For example, did you know that if we abolished all laws, kids wouldn't have to take a government class in high school? That would, like, save lots of money.
Why Electable: Their symbol is a pot leaf.
Why Not Electable: Supporters tend to forget to vote, turns out people big on some laws.
Percentage of population in this party: 2.5%

The Hippie Liberal Party
Motto: Down With Government
Symbol: Marijuana Leaf
Color: Green
Secret Agenda the Party Pushes: Free Beer, Free Beer
TV Pundit: Jesse Camp
Favorite Leader of All-Time: Bob Marley
Basic Platform: Stop the Man from keeping us down. For example, did you know that if you're 15-years-old and you're driving drunk while smoking pot, there are laws against that? What a bummer.
Why Electable: See above.
Why Not Electable: See above. This party is only marginally different than the Anarchist wing.
Percentage of population in this party: 2.5%

The Mushball Party
Motto: "We Need Five More Minutes to Decide"
Symbol: 80-foot tall question mark
Color: Undecided
Secret Agenda the Party Pushes: We'll get back to you
TV Pundit: There's just so many to choose from...
Favorite Leader of All-Time: Gosh, can we only pick one?
Basic Platform: Well, see, it's hard to decide, there's just a lot of options and we'll do our best to pick one. For example, we're still stuck on Ford's pardon of Nixon in 1974. On one hand, it was good for the country and helped heal some wounds, but on the other hand Ford allowed a criminal to escape justice, yet on the other foot...
Why Electable: Decision making is hard.
Why Not Electable: Could very possibly earn the "flip-flop" title.
Percentage of population in this party: 25%

The Moderate Party
Motto: "Slowly, but surely. But slowly."
Symbol: White Glacier with Blue Background
Color: Blue
Secret Agenda the Party Pushes: Status quo
TV Pundit: David Broder
Favortite Leader of All Time: Herbert Hoover
Basic Platform: Change should come, but slowly, as ideas that are too radical now should be pushed back until they're no longer radical. For example, we're all for gay marriage, so long as it comes in 2021.
Why Electable: A lot of people are moderates.
Why Not Electable: Everybody who isn't a moderate absolutely desipses the people stuck in the middle.
Percentage of population in this party: 5%

The American Communist/Socialist Party
Motto: Raid! Raid! It's a raid!
Symbol: Picture of George W. Bush w/ Hitler moustache
Color: Red
Secret Agenda the Party Pushes: Banning of "Animal Farm" by George Orwell
TV Pundit: Boris Yelstin
Favorite Leader of All Time: Lenin
Basic Platform: Proles unite! We must throw off our capitalistic masters and take power back! For example, McDonalds sucks!
Why Electable: McDonald's does, in fact, suck.
Why Not Electable: If you thought "liberal" was a bad word in politics. . .
Percentage of population in this party: 1%

The Ralph Nader Party
Motto: Look! It's Ralph Nader!
Symbol: Ralph Nader
Color: Green, the color of Nader's eyes
Secret Agenda the Party Pushes: Abolishing seat-belt laws
TV Pundit: Ralph Nader
Favorite Leader of All Time: Ralph Nader
Basic Platform: Ralph Nader is awesome! For example, did you know Ralph Nader rules?
Why Electable: Ralph Nader
Why Not Electable: Ralph Nader
Percentage of population in this party: 1 (not percent, just one)

The Imperialist Party
Motto: [evil laughter]
Symbol: Picture the Sherwin-Williams logo, except instead of red paint, it's red-white-blue American flags.
Color: Red, White, Blue (in that order)
Secret Agenda the Party Pushes: Starbucks expansion
TV Pundit: Michelle Malkin
Favorite Leader of All Time: Darth Vader, Emperor Palpatine
Basic Platform: Soon, the world will be ours. For example: Iraq.
Why Electable: Canadian annexation would be popular because Americans need more "leg room."
Why Not Electable: Apparently, rest of world doesn't want to become part of America
Percentage of population in this party: 2%

The Loyalist Party
Motto: "Jolly Good."
Symbol: powered wig, britches
Color: Red, Blue, White (in that order)
Secret Agenda the Party Pushes: Use of word "Ye" more often
TV Pundit: Mr. Bean
Favorite Leader of All Time: King George the Third
Basic Platform: It's time to go back under British rule, since we've made a real muck of things. For example, what's the deal with all those guns?
Why Electable: British accents almost entirely irrestistable.
Why Not Electable: British food.
Percentage of population in this party: 1%

The Right-To-Life Party
Motto: Live, dammit! LIVE!
Symbol: Unaborted fetus
Color: Ecru
Secret Agenda the Party Pushes: Tijuana Abortion Market expansion
TV Pundit: Alan Keyes
Favorite Leader of All Time: Jerry Falwell
Basic Platform: Kids must stop being aborted. For example, the point isn't that a kid has a right to a GOOD life, just that he lives. And if a mother dies due to forseen complications in childbirth, too bad, it's God's will.
Why Electable: The anti-abortion crowd left over from the Theocrats.
Why Not Electable: Tactic of hanging abortion doctors at campaign rallies tends to turn crowds off.
Percentage of population in this party: 1%

Looks like the reactionaries have it...

Tonight's debate played a lot more like I was expecting. Cheney actually kept his snarling under control (which is to say he only snarled a lot of the time... his face twitches like a wolverine on caffeine regularly) and Edwards just smiled... smiled so much I thought his lips were eventually going to meet around the back side of his head.

That said, I find it hard to score a decisive win for either side. I'd say Cheney was better than Bush (which is good if you think Cheney's the president and Bush isn't, bad otherwise) but at BEST he was only even with Edwards. Edwards didn't disappoint, and he especially wasn't any threat to overshadow Kerry.

Edwards used the $200 billion figure concerning Iraq again tonight, which is a disputed figure. I'm willing to give that one up. Maybe it's *only* $120 billion. But at least he compared it to the first Gulf War which rang in at $5 billion. (Definite point Edwards there).

Cheney said that Edwards never shows for the Senate. (Of course, Bush doesn't show in the Oval Office. But we didn't get into that.) Good point for Cheney. Then again, this is also Dick "Undisclosed Bunker Location" Cheney. So we'll nudge that to a half-point.

However, Cheney decided to press that point too far. He said that tonight was the first night he'd met John Edwards. Uh, Dick, oops: you're lying, big guy. And if you don't like words, will a picture from 2001 do?



Oops? Or can Cheney seriously not stop lying even when he makes a fairly cogent point? I guess it might have something to do with running around the country telling people Saddam was behind 9/11. (Hooray for Edwards calling him on that.)

Why Edwards didn't call Cheney on THIS boggles my mind though... This is Dick talking about Edwards claim that Americans have borne 90% of the casualities in the Iraqi War:

Cheney: Well, Gwen, the 90 percent figure is just dead wrong. When you include the Iraqi security forces that have suffered casualties, as well as the allies, they've taken almost 50 percent of the casualties in operations in Iraq, which leaves the U.S. with 50 percent, not 90 percent.

Fair enough. A lot of Iraqis have died (including tens of thousands of civilians, which, sadly, for the second straight debate didn't even warrant a mention), but now we're counting Iraqis as part of the Coalition that invaded Iraq? Is he fucking kidding us? By that fun logic, the allies have lost over 15,000 people since the start of the war. Anyone up for another round of Vietnam?

Here's Cheney on taking over as President from VP:

CHENEY: It's a very significant responsibility when you consider that at a moment's notice you may have to take over as president of the United States and make all of those decisions. It's happened several times in our history.

Good point, sir. How many years have you had your pacemaker now? And while listening to a ridiculous C-SPAN caller say Edwards was "too young to be VP" (Edwards, although he doesn't look it, is 52 years old, and is older than Kennedy and Clinton when they took office) I began to wonder, how close IS Cheney to dying? Not everyone can have four heart attacks and keep on rolling after all. One of the most under-rated considerations in our democracy right now. I'd hate to wake up with Bill Frist or some overly well-groomed Christian Coalition senator from the south as my President. Perish the thought.

Still, though, count it a score for both sides to show their style, and a little bit on the issues. In the end, though, I feel like the whole debate was summed up by Cheney on a bit of a throwaway question, AIDS in African-American women in America, when Cheney -- not really a politico -- said very brusquely: "I had not heard those numbers with respect to African-American women."

No other politican would just blow aside a question like that. No other campaign would ever let such a slip happen (compare that to the subtleties shown on war questions throughout the night) without some better response. But that's it in the end, the snarl versus the smile. Two down, two to go. Look forward to seeing you in Saint Louis.

The Daily Show has become the funniest show on television by mixing hard fact with amazingly truthful analysis and a heavy dose of irony, satire, and just plain humor.

America: The Book is one of the funniest books I've ever read. Not only CAN you learn something from it (I mean, who knew that stuff I learned in high school would ever get use) but if you have any knowledge of history or politics, the jokes are even better. The book is in textbook format, so yes, there are "Did You Know?" questions, discussion questions and classroom activies. Here's a sample of a few Discussion Questions?:

1. Why do you think the Framers made the Constitution so soul-crushingly boring?

2. Have you ever founded anything? If so, is it something that went on to be a global superpower? If not, why not?

3. What does "bicameral" mean? Are any of the girls in your class bicameral?

So that's that. Pretty short review, huh? Except that I was tooling around Amazon.com and checked into some of the reviews of the book I was looking to review, and suddenly I realized something that the Founding Fathers should have thrown into the Bill of Rights: Americans cannot take a joke.

This is what G. Smith, from California wrote:

Having watched dear jon a few times, I was hard pressed to read his little book. I mean little, as in small minded, stupid and contemptuous of our country. I don't think this book is funny and the only only ones that do, seem to be panty wetters like julia, who seemed compelled to write 3 reviews telling us about it. Our country may have its' flaws, but little tiny twit brained jon would not have been permitted to write his cloddish tome in some countries at all. No other country is as great as ours, except for producing people like most of the reviewers and jon and his silly band of idiots. Book went in the trash and I certainly would not have given it to anyone. I am ashamed I even read it.

Stinging criticism. Other than the fact that on page 183 of the book, the book actually says that America is better than the rest of the world! And has a whole chapter to describe how and why the world is messed-up outside of our borders! But he's right. God Bless America, people, not God Bless Everyone (has anyone talked to the Vatican about changing THE Bible?)

Reader J.D. 2, from Rhode Island counters with:

Jon Stewart is funny and always has been, but this book plays strictly to the Liberal crowd. Any references to Dems have been (obviously) placed strictly to feign "balance". Much like (anything)Michael Moore does gets Liberals salivating (regardless of accuracy), this will be treated as a reference book, under the veil of comedy. Overall, this is an entertaining book, but I had hoped for a little more.

Treated as a reference book under the veil of comedy? What if the references to Reps (catchy) have been *OBVIOUSLY* placed strictly to feign "balance?" This political cycle is destroying reason, one brain cell at a time. I guess portraying Kerry as a "bad VHS copy of the original JFK" and suggesting he likes to beat reporters up isn't enough. Maybe in the conservative version, Kerry molests kids while Bush single-handedly wins World War III.

Here's Doctor (ooh, this should be cold and analytical) Shuffhausen, from Alabama (okay, never mind that first bit)

Jon Stewart for President! Right? Er...Why not? There are a couple of glaring problems with this runaway best-seller by Jon Stewart and his merry band. First of all, too many people are getting their "news" from Stewart; what is intended as comedy is being taken entirely too seriously by entirely too many people. Stewart & Co. play fast and loose with facts...not bad, for a comedian, but dangerous for a shaper of public perception. Secondly, Stewart just isn't quite as funny as he thinks he is. Granted, nobody could live up to that standard...not even Stewart. Still, the cheeky mugging and self-referencing gets a little tiresome after awhile. And, gee, we get your point: conservative European-descended people are dorks who have screwed up the world and should be eliminated from American public life. At least, that's what I got out of this book. I will admit, there were times I laughed. Hard. Even at the foibles of conservatives. But, for goodness' sake, if you're going to bash, be more of an equal opportunity basher. Of course, in these days of Dan Rather, one doesn't even have to pretend to be non-partisan, does one?

Although, on a personal level, I think anyone who will vote for Bush saying that someone else plays "fast and loose with facts" is pretty damn funny, is the Daily Show more fake than say... Fox News? And the point the Good Doctor got is actually mentioned nowhere in the book. And both sides are bashed quite well. Seriously. IT'S A FECKING COMEDY BOOK HERE PEOPLE! But apparently, some people are so steeped in Kool-Aid that comedy must die a painful death.

But finally, from K. Lewis of Florida, my absolutely favorite review (for one very specific reason):

Despite what a few reviewers have felt, I did not feel that Bush and the Republicans were unfairly skewered in ths book (and I'm a big Bush supporter). I actually thought that it was pretty equally balanced. Besides, the jab about New England liberals forming their own state, which would be "badly governed," more than made up for every Bush/conservative/Christian joke...well, except for the one about churchgoers being "flock-like." This book is brilliant, hilarious, and I actually think that some of the suggested classroom activities would be useful teaching tools, if slightly modified... And high school students would have great fun and learn a little something about imperial responsibility if they practiced dividing up the Middle East "without regards to ethnic or religious tensions." I know it would have made my World History course a little more bearable... Anyway, this has got to be one of the funniest books out there. It's highly recommended.

I'm glad she has a sense of humor. Sort of. See, I'm what this woman would no doubt consider a "Godless Communist" but, um, might I just point out that Jesus was called the Good Sheppard or just "the Sheppard" like 50 times in the Bible? And the people who came to him were known as "His flock?" And ask a priest, preacher, reverend or pastor about their congregration and they'll refer to them as "their flock?" HELLO?! Why do I know more about these things than her? And if she called me a left-winger, would I get pissy?

Someday, I fully intend to write "Reviews: The Book" and simply point out the idiocy of irrational human opinion. Or, as "American: The Book" opens with in Chapter One, this fake exchange between Greek philosophical legends:

Pericles: "It is true that we are called a democracy, for the administration is in the hands of the many and not the few."

Socrates: "Yes, Pericles, but have you gotten a load of the many?"

Agreed.

I've been wondering who's still undecided in this whole "election" thing that *I think* is going to happen on November 2nd. (Bush again said he wasn't going to lose. Either he's a bigger idiot than to be believed, or the October Surprise is "Surprise! I'm Emperor!")

Kick on CNN today, and this morning on their, uh, fine program "American Morning" (fine as in "I wouldn't actually watch this unless it was either watch it or my cat gets it") interviewed three "undecided" young voters in Florida. Sadly, though, one of those voters, Edward Matos isn't so undecided after all.

From Jesus General: While claiming to be the politically independent president of a non-partisan campus group called the Council for Democracy, he is also very involved with the College Republicans, having served on committees to draft the UMCR constitution and organize a veterans memorial committee. He has also served as the Assistant Editor in Chief for the CR newsletter, Eye On Politics.

So, okay, easy mistake. I mean, there's tons of college Republicans walking around.

Err, no there isn't. Here's a recent e-mail I got from my *gasp* alma mater concerning the state of College Republicans in my old town:

We're desperately looking for ANYONE to show. We know there are Republicans out there, and we're looking to form a group to rival the College Democrats. Please contact......

In Plattsburgh, at the last CR meeting, there was one attendee. Popular bunch, them.

Oh? What's this? The Miami Herald had a panel of eight undecided voters, and heck, one of theirs turned out to be Ted Lyons, a Republican political consultant? And to think, Fox News had on three socialists and seven liberals as their undecided panel! (Note to humor impaired: they didn't.)

WAIT! Just in on the Fox front: They made up post-debate Kerry quotes out of whole cloth! What a country! But the nice thing, is that they apologized.

And here's the apology:

Earlier Friday, FOXNews.com posted an item purporting to contain quotations from Kerry. The item was based on a reporter’s partial script that had been written in jest and should not have been posted or broadcast. We regret the error, which occurred because of fatigue and bad judgment, not malice.

Which, basically, describes everything they've produced since 1996. But who am I to judge, being an undecided voter myself...

I'm stunned. Completely and utterly stunned.

I knew John Kerry was a good debater. And I know that George W. Bush is a deformed chimp but... I'm stunned.

No, not because John Kerry came out stronger than expected. (That was a bonus.) Not because Bush often looked confused and had wayyyy too much dead air at points during his speech. Not because anything either of the two men said.

Joe Scarborough, MSNBC: "We saw the best of John Kerry tonight. There's no way anyone who was watching could say this was anything but a big win for Kerry."

That's Joe "Former Republican House Member" Scarborough. Joe "Just a Month Ago Stood Onstage With President Bush" Scarborough. Joe "They Found a Dead Intern In My Office And I Covered Up, Which Is Why I'm No Longer a Republican House Member" Scarborough.

Chris "Tweety" Matthews, MSNBC: "Kerry sounded resolute and incisive. Bush sounded like he was pleading."

That's Chris "I Couldn't Stop Obsessing With Bush's Bulge When He Wore That Flightsuit" Matthews. Chris "I Made Fun of Al Gore Constantly In 2000 For No Particular Reason" Matthews.

Better, the dude from Newsweek on MSNBC: "Bush sounded monarchial, like only he could do anything."

Wolf Blitzer: "Bush was obviously uncomfortable."

WHAT THE FREAKING HELL? Did I die during the debate and go to "liberal media" heaven or something? Sweet creeping Trey, even the right-winger folks are going crazy tonight over the poor showing by Bush. *has to sit down and put head between legs*

Okay, back up for air. Um. Yeah. Never mind. I need to put my head down again.

Be back tomorrow.